Strong and Courageous

I got an email from my aunt last night... it was a very nice email.

in it, she tells me how i'm so strong and courageous.

i don't feel strong and courageous.

i look in the mirror, and i look old. i hate it. and i noticed something yesterday. in addition to my hair thinning... and it's gotten a lot thinner.... i'm missing half my eyebrows. it looks like waxing gone all wrong.

i was registered for a 'look good, feel better' class yesterday - they teach you how to put on make up so you look better, so you feel better. of the 8 or so people in it, only 2 were not breast cancer. i, of course, was one of the 2. 2 people had scarves, one had a wig. one woman hadn't started chemo yet. she took a lot of notes about coping things

so ok, i learned how to pencil in eyebrows. the rest of the make up stuff, i guess i probably already knew - i just don't use it.

back to strong and courageous. i'm not. i'm scared that the treatments won't push this back into remission. i'm scared of not being able to breath. i'm scared of being in pain.

i'm worried about the finances. disability doesn't pay anything for a 6-month waiting period. no one ever thought to mention that.... so i worry about how we're going to pay the bills. it's not like i'm sitting on a pile of money, ya know?

and as much as i'd rather be working, it's clear that i would not be able to do a nearly hour drive each way, deal with the crazy all day, and be able to do my job. i hate admitting that. but there it is.

so for now, we continue to wait. i have another scan on thursday, and we'll go over it on friday. anxiety? yeah, got that.

i want my life back. i want to go to work, and deal with the crazy, and not huff and puff when i go up and down stairs. i want my rib cage to not be numb (been that way since the original surgery). i want my hair back. oh, and my eyebrows, too.

and some days, i just want to pull the covers over my head, and make it all go away for a while.

but to the outside, apparently i look strong and courageous. i wonder if they realize just how NOT strong, and NOT courageous I actually feel?